The Black Hole

So this weight loss thing has really become a struggle. I keep falling into the same pattern of waking up one day and feeling like I am going to reform my ways and try super hard and use the tools I have been given and really really go at this weight los this with a really good try, and then something happens, I justify a craving I have given in to, or I go out to eat or I eat something untrackable and I totally give up, usually this happens on or near the weekend and then come Monday I wake up resolved again. Well this morning I didn't wake up reso,ved, it occured to me on my walk to bart. Again I wanted to start over and as I get closer to weigh-in I stress about the number I will see. Actually, it's not my weight that scares me as much as the weight change, I NEED to see a negative in the +/- box or I relaly feel bad. Although I do seem to get over it quickly if I don't ...well until I put on some ugly outfit I dont like. Like today, I have this shirt that fits and doesnt make me self-concious, but I find it pretty hideous and I don't feel good about myself wearing it. But I keep it because it fits.

As far as the black hole is concerned, well sometimes I feel like I fall into this alternative universe where i need to eat a lot, all the time, and i can and should have all the things I want to eat. I dont knwo why i do it, but i will go to the store for OJ and also get candy, but i am in this black hole so i really dont see the light or wrong from right. i just get it, eat it and feel satisfied. like i know it wont really matter in the long run. I can't seem to make it matter.

Now to not completely beat myself up, I made a good breakfast yesterday with a one point bagel, one egg and a little cheese and some fruit. I do a lot fo little things that ARE better choices, which is probably why i am plateaued and not gaining or losing. I knwo I need to up the good stuff and try to get a grasp on the binging and justifying unhealthy choices.

So thats what is on my mind this morning. I would love to hear your thoughts- hit "Comment". Thanks.